Self Doubt

The last few days I have been questioning whether I should go through with this marathon in January. I was signing up to have a goal to get me off the couch. A half marathon I can phone in but a full 26.2 will keep my training honest.

I just don't have the drive the way I did with NY. I don't "want it" the way I did last year. My heart is not in it. Sure things have come up, extreme things, personal and phobias that I am not ready to work through. But I can get through anything. The problem is...I don't want to right now. I don't want running to be yet another stressor. As soon as I start running for time I get stressed and worried and beat myself up for not running in my projected time frame for training.

I want to run faster for the next marathon but I don't know if I can. I compare where I was at this point in NY training and in a few weeks from now then I made my 9 mile PR. I am not even close to holding that for 9 miles now. I can't finish slower than NY and I can't finish in the same time. I HAVE TO cut my time significantly.

I keep returning tot he thought of putting off the marathon and committing to training for a faster 5 or 10K. If I can get my mile down by 2 min I will feel like a "real" runner. But am I just looking for an excuse to drop out? Perhaps because I am burnt out in life in general? perhaps because I cannot for the life of me figure out where I can run without a boatload of anxiety? I can do short distance on the treadmill but it is painfully boring. But I can do a few miles and speed work. Maybe I should spend winter on the treadmill, lifting weights and strengthening my hips and abs? I don't know.

I watched the NYC marathon this morning and was inspired for a while. But when I thought about doing a long run today I couldn't think of where. My options that are relatively snake free are the par course and the treadmill. 6-8 loops around the par course is pretty but monotonous. I want my country road in the valley for that. And long runs on the treadmill seem impossible.

It is really hard to balance the brutality of the trianing with my own phobias. If the snakes hadn't happened I don't think I'd be in this place. But it has brought me to such a place of self doubt, to a depth I never experienced while training for NY.

I'm sleepy. Maybe I wan tto ride my bike. Winter will be here which means rains...