Low point

This running is such a thorn in my side. I know it is all about the negative self talk I have. How do I intercept it and replace it with BELIEVABLE positive self talk? When I run well it flows. The positive self talk flows in. My performance improves. The other times, well you know the story.

We ran with the team on the official triathlon trail. It was significantly easier than the "trail from hell" which was really nice. Just rolling hills and a combo of flat pavement and dirt path. It was not hard at all. I started running happy that it wasn't so bad. I saw a small hill and looked down and was thrilled that I reached the peak fast. I can do this. I didn't care that the group was ahead of me. I could see them enough to stay on the right track but I didn't care. My goal was to run without stopping not to run fast.

Mike and the team stopped to talk. He wanted to tell us about the trail a few times along the path. Yeah, so I can blame my downfall on him. I am approaching realizing that I am at the mental turning point of my happy place. If I keep running I will be fine, if I stop it's over. I stopped. What else should I do? Look like a jerk and run past the group not knowing where I am going? I stopped and was out of breath. I started up again and was out of breath. I felt anxiety kick in and I was off on a downward spiral of shortness of breath and negative thoughts. I stopped to walk again several times and ran to the next point where Mike and the team were. I felt like a failure for stopping even more.

At this point I was hating the entire thing. I wanted to go home. I wanted to sleep. I was scared. How will I do this after biking? I won't be able to do this? Maybe I should not bother with this triathlon. Maybe I should have someone else run for me. But this is my challenge. This is what I want more than anything...to complete the run without stopping even if I am last. I know I am physically fit enough. But is my head the barrier here?

I came home, napped and have been pretty depressed all day. I started reading the book Running Within by Jerry Lynch and Warren Scott. It addresses the body-mind-spirit connection for training. It talked about the physiological effects of negative self talk and anxiety when running. Sounds like me. I realized I have been having small anxiety attacks when I run on bad days. Today before running I drove there with butterflies in my stomach dreading running, or really dreading "failure." Once the shortness of breath and negativity started I went into a spiral of anxiety and more negativity. I breathe through my mouth entirely which the book says wastes energy and oxygen. I don't breathe in my nose as it feels like I am not getting enough air. The book suggested sitting for 10 min a day and breathing visualizing the positive. It feels good to read about this and receive validation. So now what? I will try to visualizations, more positive talk and proper breathing. But how do I intercept the negativity once it starts? It's so strong at that point. I'll keep reading and maybe call the author.

I decided to work more on running going back to flat distance running. I can handle these hills. I need to go back to the mental work of completing the distance. Mike suggested I run 4 miles on the flats and throw in a few intervals. Tonight I will add to my training schedule an additional running schedule. I have to do this. I will do this.