The last few days I have been questioning whether I should go through with this marathon in January. I was signing up to have a goal to get me off the couch. A half marathon I can phone in but a full 26.2 will keep my training honest.
I just don't have the drive the way I did with NY. I don't "want it" the way I did last year. My heart is not in it. Sure things have come up, extreme things, personal and phobias that I am not ready to work through. But I can get through anything. The problem is...I don't want to right now. I don't want running to be yet another stressor. As soon as I start running for time I get stressed and worried and beat myself up for not running in my projected time frame for training.
I want to run faster for the next marathon but I don't know if I can. I compare where I was at this point in NY training and in a few weeks from now then I made my 9 mile PR. I am not even close to holding that for 9 miles now. I can't finish slower than NY and I can't finish in the same time. I HAVE TO cut my time significantly.
I keep returning tot he thought of putting off the marathon and committing to training for a faster 5 or 10K. If I can get my mile down by 2 min I will feel like a "real" runner. But am I just looking for an excuse to drop out? Perhaps because I am burnt out in life in general? perhaps because I cannot for the life of me figure out where I can run without a boatload of anxiety? I can do short distance on the treadmill but it is painfully boring. But I can do a few miles and speed work. Maybe I should spend winter on the treadmill, lifting weights and strengthening my hips and abs? I don't know.
I watched the NYC marathon this morning and was inspired for a while. But when I thought about doing a long run today I couldn't think of where. My options that are relatively snake free are the par course and the treadmill. 6-8 loops around the par course is pretty but monotonous. I want my country road in the valley for that. And long runs on the treadmill seem impossible.
It is really hard to balance the brutality of the trianing with my own phobias. If the snakes hadn't happened I don't think I'd be in this place. But it has brought me to such a place of self doubt, to a depth I never experienced while training for NY.
I'm sleepy. Maybe I wan tto ride my bike. Winter will be here which means rains...
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Snakes on a run
5 weeks after my last post. I embarked on another marathon training. The first three weeks were incredible and my growth was fast. My min mile grew 1 min faster. I was moving right along, working hard. Some personal things beyond control came up and I slowed way down.
I started back up last week and was eager until I had to face my phobia...snakes. I cannot deal with them in any rational way. never have. Never sought therapy..well..beacsue I never really needed to. They didn't interfere with my daily life. Now they have. I was on a run an I saw not one but three dead ones on my road in less than a 1/4 mile. ridiculous and completely unacceptable. Okay, so I won't run there. But why were they out in late Oct? I am prepared to face one in the summer. I expect to see one cross my road yet NEVER have in the 2 yrs I have been running.
So James goes with me on my long run in the valley. We run on the opposite side of the road where I saw the snakes previously. I get past the point where I saw the last one, take a breath of relief and shit! there is fresh dead one right at my feet. I panic. I can't do this! Why? James get me past it and we continue. The whole 13 miles I am reminding myself to breathe. Relaxation was a joke. I am about to jump out of my skin at any moment. Finally after 4 miles of no snakes in sight I let my guard down again. I am running faster enjoying this spot...my favorite and there is another dead one and it was big. I scream from a place deep down and run as fast as I can past it cursing every step of the way. I did it! Great. I did it but at this point I have no more energy inside to deal with more. Now I am heading out to the flats, the sun. Where they may be alive and sunning themselves. Dead is hard enough...I cannot handle live ones. Just drug me now.
I hit a wall and cry. I can't turn back. It's a loop and I know damn well there are 2 snakes on my path behind. Maybe there are none ahead of me but I doubt it. Nature is playing a cruel joke. I have run this loop so many times. I have run through grassy paths, country roads, next to lakes and never spotted one. Yet in the last week I have now seen 5. And one more in town in a residential area on a walk...that's 6. I move on and find some strength inside. Only 8 more miles to go. I run. My pace is horrible.
Near the end of my run on the path where there were no snakes on the way out I pick up my pace and finally let go of the fear that haunted me in the last 12 miles. I finish strong. then I worry where will I run my next long run? It was the most emotionally hellish run of my life.I don't know where I will run? Places I thought were safe, like neighborhoods in town are not. In fact I saw another last night while I went with the kids trick or treating.
So I ran the par course where there really should be lots of creepy snakes. But no cars for them to get smashed so I hope they stay in their space in the grass and I can keep mine on the trail. I really thought they were gone once it got cold here.
I started back up last week and was eager until I had to face my phobia...snakes. I cannot deal with them in any rational way. never have. Never sought therapy..well..beacsue I never really needed to. They didn't interfere with my daily life. Now they have. I was on a run an I saw not one but three dead ones on my road in less than a 1/4 mile. ridiculous and completely unacceptable. Okay, so I won't run there. But why were they out in late Oct? I am prepared to face one in the summer. I expect to see one cross my road yet NEVER have in the 2 yrs I have been running.
So James goes with me on my long run in the valley. We run on the opposite side of the road where I saw the snakes previously. I get past the point where I saw the last one, take a breath of relief and shit! there is fresh dead one right at my feet. I panic. I can't do this! Why? James get me past it and we continue. The whole 13 miles I am reminding myself to breathe. Relaxation was a joke. I am about to jump out of my skin at any moment. Finally after 4 miles of no snakes in sight I let my guard down again. I am running faster enjoying this spot...my favorite and there is another dead one and it was big. I scream from a place deep down and run as fast as I can past it cursing every step of the way. I did it! Great. I did it but at this point I have no more energy inside to deal with more. Now I am heading out to the flats, the sun. Where they may be alive and sunning themselves. Dead is hard enough...I cannot handle live ones. Just drug me now.
I hit a wall and cry. I can't turn back. It's a loop and I know damn well there are 2 snakes on my path behind. Maybe there are none ahead of me but I doubt it. Nature is playing a cruel joke. I have run this loop so many times. I have run through grassy paths, country roads, next to lakes and never spotted one. Yet in the last week I have now seen 5. And one more in town in a residential area on a walk...that's 6. I move on and find some strength inside. Only 8 more miles to go. I run. My pace is horrible.
Near the end of my run on the path where there were no snakes on the way out I pick up my pace and finally let go of the fear that haunted me in the last 12 miles. I finish strong. then I worry where will I run my next long run? It was the most emotionally hellish run of my life.I don't know where I will run? Places I thought were safe, like neighborhoods in town are not. In fact I saw another last night while I went with the kids trick or treating.
So I ran the par course where there really should be lots of creepy snakes. But no cars for them to get smashed so I hope they stay in their space in the grass and I can keep mine on the trail. I really thought they were gone once it got cold here.
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