Countdown to the Triathlon...

9 days left. I received the registration confirmation email with the rules. It sent chills down my spine. We are almost there and it really will happen. I am afraid I will panic at the swim. I still cannot fathom starting on someone else's watch much less in a different location in the water.

I slacked a bit this week due to school. Yep, more school. Started the Family Nurse Practitioner (FNP) post-Master's program. It's overwhelming being back in school AND working f/t nights. I longed for training the two days I skipped. I ran the course the last two days. It gets easier each day but still a rough run.

Full length practice tri and running

We did the full length (1/2 mile swim, 21 mile bike, 3 mile run) practice triathlon yesterday! (1/2 mile swim, 21 mile bike, 3 mile run) It was easier than I had anticipated. I swam the distance without any panic though I almost did a few times. I asked Mike to not say the word. After everyone went I swam slowly. Intentionally VERY slowly. I got to the point where I panicked last time and felt my breath shorten. I talked to myself and got through it. In all honesty I was really anxious BEFORE I got into the water. We did two times around some buoys in a triangle to swim the total 1/2 mile. I was anxious again when I was finishing the first lap and wondered where the group was. I knew I was last which meant they must be coming behind me finishing their last lap. Oh dear! What if they swim right over me? That was a scary thought. I popped my head up and looked for them and never really saw anyone except the safety boat. Ironically (not really) the guy on the safety boat was next to me the entire time. Oh der, what did Mike tell him? Something like, "You better stay close to that one, she's a real handful. She panics." I felt silly. the safety boat guy was cheering me on and reminding me to sight when I swam off course which was nice but distracting. Maybe he was buffering so that I would not get swam over. Where was the crowd? Later Byron said I was not that far behind so they never passed me. So I swam, I kept swimming. I got into my rhythm. On my final swim to the end I sped up. Mike was at the shore with the safety boat guy. Both were cheering me on.

I walked to the transition point relieved that I did not panic. Grabbed some water, gatorade and shoved a chunk of Clif bar in my mouth. I was surprised there were a few people left at the transition. I thought I'd be alone as my swim was sooooo slow and I was last. Byron was there and took off on his bike before me. I took off and enjoyed some of the ride. I got to the beginning hill. This is the biggest hill on the course. Shit! My gears are not working properly. I have a 21 speed and could only get 3 speeds and they were not the easier speeds. this is not how I want to start my ride. I make it up the hill really tired. Again thinking how much I hate my bike. I just tightened everything last night and pumped up the tires. I saw someone in red off in the distance ahead of me. I passed Patty on the side of the road, who is a serious triathlete. Her tire was flat. She had help and was getting the new tire ready. I forgot to get a tire patch kit. I have tools but no tire patch. I wonder how soon Patty will pass me.

I spent the first half of the ride trying to catch up to the person with the red shirt. I never got close enough to pass. My legs were so tired. They burned and I could not even stand to pedal up small hills. I remembered how I have always been this tired on the first half and then warm up and feel better on the last half when I speed up. I still longed for an leisurely bike ride. I got closer to the half way point/turnaround. I passed 2 cyclists I had not seen in the distance. Cool. Most of the team passed me in the other direction. Byron was stopped at the turnaround drinking water. We took off together. I stayed with him the whole time and we eventually passed the person in the red shirt and their biking partner. So I passed 4 people. Not bad for an incredibly slow swim. Patty passes all of us on the way back. She is impressive.

Mike is cheering us on back at the transition. He has a table set up with water. I get off my bike and take my time (oh did I ever take my time!!!) stretching, hydrating, snacking and socializing. I even went to the bathroom as our bikes are parked there. I wasn't racing and my priority was to finish the run nonstop. I needed that. I saw a friend and her little one. She was walking on the path we ran. We ran the dam at the lake. For the actual tri we will be running at the college. Mike told us the equivalent distance on the dam would be two times to the end and back. *gulp* I had only run the full dam once successfully. I could not imagine running the thing twice! Well, I will just do it. I have to. It's flatter than the college course so I should have no problem.

I down more water, get my headphones on and blast Rage Against the Machine's People of the Sun. Off I go. Wow. I can run. My footwork is good and my legs don't feel so bad. They hurt, they definitely hurt but not at all like the first time I tried a brick and failed miserably. I did want to stop more than ever though. I told myself to re-evaluate after the second song. that works well for me because by the time I get there I can keep going. The second song ended and I was still unhappy. Okay let's re-evaluate after the next song. Teammates are passing me in the other direction. We cheer each other on. I pass Byron. He is doing great but looks beat. he is going in the other direction too.

It's easier. I can do this. I am almost 1/4 way through. I turn around to head back. I realize I am going to do this. I REALLY will do this. I get a little weepy. Shit! I really am going to go the full distance today. Byron will too! James did not come because he was sick. I wish he could see us. I keep running. I reach the starting point. One more time. I turn around and off I go. It's so much easier now. It's not even hot out. I thank Mother Nature for the nice weather. I thought it was going to be 100+ degrees. It was sunny, warm but not hot with a few breezes. I see a few people opposite me getting ready to finish. yay! They did it! I reach the 3/4 point and turn around running the final part. I saw Byron in front of me running. he walked the 3rd lap of 4 and then ran the last part hard. I am so proud of him. I see him finish in the distance. I get weepy again. My boy did it! I get close and think about how far we have all come. I want to thank Mike so much for everything he has done for us. He is at the finish cheering me on. "I did it! I did the whole thing!" I say as I slap his hand. I head straight to Byron who is sitting down by his bike exhausted drinking gatorade. We hug. We smile. We did it! We can do this. We will do fine in 2 weeks. We socialize with other teammates. We get our times. Byron beat me by 2 minutes. I wasn't last despite my slow swimming time. I was happy. Later James looked up the finishing times for last year's tri. If I keep this time in the tri I won't be last. I won't even come close! I could shave off several minutes in the actual tri in my transition. I took at least 5 min in the bike run transition. 2 more weeks. here I go......


So I didn't blog about last week. I feel like I turned a corner with running. I trust the process now. I know I can run what I decide. I am even starting to like it. I just might stick with it. Last Sunday I wanted to run the length and back of the Golden Gate Bridge. Both ways totals 3 miles. It was too crowded so we settled for a beautiful path in Tiburon, CA along the bay. I just kept running and only turned around because it was time to go. It was easy. Then I ran the tri running coarse at the college twice. It was hard the first time but I completed it and I ran at the same pace as when I run the flats. there are nice rolling hills. We run the cross country course that winds around up and down the ravine through the frisbee golf course. We end up on pavement for the last mile and finish doing 1 lap around the track. I ran this course again alone. I stopped twice. the first time I didn't realize I stopped. I forgot my mental tools. So I started back up and ran a lot more. I walked again but very briefly. I checked my time and my pace was faster by a minute per mile! what??? I walked . I felt it though but I figured it was the hills. Either way I was happy. now I want to keep running after the tri and increase my speed. I want to do a 10K. I did 5 miles last week I can add another mile. I can run. I like running!

Just Keep Swimming

Ellen Degeneres is in my head as I swim again in the lake. "Just keep swimming" I swam two more times this week. First time I did well. Last time I felt some anxiety develop but it did not go into full blown panic. I thought of Finding Nemo (Thanks James) and told myself to Just Keep Swimming. It passed and I went to the big island and back easily.

Good Week- bike run brick

Two Wednesdays ago J and I attempted a bike run brick. It was unsuccessful for me. Since I did it at the practice tri I knew I could do it now. So we did another 1/2 bike and this time set the goal of 3 miles at the track instead of 2. I fought hard on the first two laps as my legs again felt like, well, bricks. I began to feel about 75% normal by about 1.5 miles. It wasn't bad but I felt sooooo sloooooow even though J said my time was my normal pace. I was pleased that I completed it.

Good Week-Breaking 5 miles

Last Monday I finally ran 5 miles! Yep, 5 miles. It was a random number that just stuck in my head as a goal. I have done 4, even 4.25 but 5 seemed so far yet so close. It felt great to go so far without stopping. I am feeling more comfortable with running. In fact I had a difficult night at work the night before so I "needed" to run.

Good Week- Practice Tri

It has been a productive week. Last Saturday we did a practice half-tri with the team. I had been running all week so that I could complete the 2 mile after biking. I needed to do this run. The swim began and I unexpectedly had a full blown panic attack in the lake again. I was swimming well and suddenly I could not breathe and it scared me. I knew I could float with the wetsuit but I also knew I had to get to point B or turn around. Either way I had to keep swimming. yet I could not put my face in the water. I tried to relax on my back but that made the breathing worse. I called for James who was a few feet ahead of me "James. I can't breathe. I'm scared. Wait for me." He waited and told me to keep swimming. I doggie paddled to point B and was able to touch bottom. Damn it! Why had I done that? I wasn't afraid before. Mike came with his surf board ...again! I calmed down. James reminded me of "Finding Nemo" and said Just Keep Swimming. I caught my breath and the panic was gone. I'm going now and I will finish. I did. On the last leg, I swam as hard as I could to the finish. I sighted Mike and was going to try not to look silly again. Interesting how coordinated my stroke is when I swim fast.

I went for my bike and J was still at his. We rode together. What a relief. biking is easy and relaxing. J and I biked together for a while which was nice. We passed a few others on the way back. I replayed the panic attack wondering what triggered it and what I need to do to prevent it from happening again. Maybe I brushed up against an animal. Maybe it was after Mike said, "if anyone has a panic attack I'm right here." Maybe it was that I did not warm up and I had not been in the open water for 2 weeks. Maybe it was starting on someone else's clock and not mine. Probably all of the above. Either way I need to spend the remainder training in the lake and not the pool. I decided to let that go and focus on the upcoming run. I was even more determined to complete the run now. I refuse to fail on 2 of 3.

I come to the transition place ready to run. One of the team members reminded me to drink as I got off my bike. I drank water and Gatorade and took a bite of Odwalla Bar. Got my music organized and walked fast for a few minutes stretching my legs. Here I go. It's only 2 miles and it's flat. J was about a 1/2 mile ahead of me. i could see him in his red shirt. I start. Wow, my legs again feel like bricks. I can work past it. I will run slowly. I saw other teammates running back. They encouraged me and I encouraged them. It felt good to step out of my concentration and cheer them on. It made the whole experience more positive. I saw one of our teammates who had trouble on the trail form hell the first time. He was on the way back and I was thrilled to see him keep going. He looked great and fast. I gave him a smile and thumbs up. Then I saw Byron. Oh my! my boy!!! He has his camel bag on and is saying something to me but I can't hear him. He is fast and long making it look easy. he is smiling and we give each other a big smile. I yell out "way to go Byron!" he is ahead of both James and I. I see James pass by me. We smile. I am prettyhappy at this point. I am almost at the turn around point. I know I can complete this. I have never made it this far on this path without stopping and now I have no intention of stopping. I turn and head back. My legs are feeling better, more like at the end of a run rather than bricks. I see the end. I see Mike's car which is the finish line. Everyone is down there. I go from the pavement to the final downhill train to the the parking lot. I see J and Byron. Everyone is cheering me on so I sprint to J and Byron who are holding out their hands.

I did it. I completed the run. I feel great. Byron made really good time as well as James.

Run run run...

Tuesday I ran 3 miles easily. The first mile was the easiest (first time ever!). I hit the wall at lap 7 which was very unusual. I moved through it. J and I met some other runners at the track. J had run behind this guy on Monday. J knew this guy's partner from his old job so they talked for a while. We found out that the guy and J ran at the same pace and the woman ran at my pace. We exchanged numbers and plan to run together soon.

Wednesday J and I tried a brick bike run. That was really hard. I was tired biking already so running was impossible. My legs felt like cement marshmallows. They were just exhausted. I could barely move them and as a result did not make it far before stopping. Once I stopped running to walk I could never really start back up and stick with it. This time it was both physical and mental. Usually it is just mental. I was afraid of my knees. If I can't feel my legs I cannot feel where they step. I could step the wrong way and out they go. I did not like that fear at all. Some other triathletes made suggestions of stretching before the run and walking a bit on the run course until I can feel my legs. I resisted that initially because I wanted my transition time to be fast to make up for time lost. But my priority is finishing the tri and I have a better chance of doing so if I do rest my legs first.

Initially I was disappointed in that I lost faith in my body's ability. Then I asked what could I learn from this? I need to practice this as this is hard for everyone. I should have never stopped or at least broken it up into pieces asking myself do do one more lap and re-evaluate. I will persist until it happens.

So today we did a run only. I used some of my skills to get past the wall. I bargained to give it one more lap and of course I was fine and did a full 3. Neither easy nor difficult. My time was 12 min/mile.

Tomorrow is the practice tri with the team. I will need to use every tool I have to do this.

4.25!

I ran 4.25 miles nonstop at the high school track today!!! I needed that after such a low point. I brought some positive words with me on a notecard and planned to look at them when I hit the wall. I never took them out of my pocket. I hit the wall early and convinced myself that it would be far worse if I stopped now. I don't like feeling sad and what is the worst that could happen if I continued? I don't hurt. It is more like having a really persistent person in my face telling me to stop. I stop because I don't override that persistence. The pain of disappointment is far worse.

I kept going. I hit my happy spot and even went into a meditative place for a while. I told myself that I am fit and I run like a well trained athlete. That was funny as I argued wit myself on that one. I remembered it from my notecard. I concluded that I am well trained as I have two coaches working with me. Silly things I think about.

My pace was good. I picked up my feet more and had a good tempo the whole way. I did not time myself though. I got to close to 3 miles and decided to keep going. I was hoping for 4 miles and dreaming of 5. I passed James at the 12th lap and yelled out, "I'm taking this as far as it takes me!!" It took me 5 more laps. By the last lap (#17) I hit another wall. Nothing significant. I could have overridden it. But I was actually feeling tired and I was happy at how far I went. The farthest so far is 4 miles so I passed it. My kids were biking and running there and I wanted to interact with them as I had tried so hard to ignore them as I ran (distraction is a big issue for me).

The kids biked 2 miles and ran 1/2 mile. they were proud of their accomplishments too. We sat in the grass, stretched and talked about our work today. I am back to feeling like I can in fact do this tri.

Low point

This running is such a thorn in my side. I know it is all about the negative self talk I have. How do I intercept it and replace it with BELIEVABLE positive self talk? When I run well it flows. The positive self talk flows in. My performance improves. The other times, well you know the story.

We ran with the team on the official triathlon trail. It was significantly easier than the "trail from hell" which was really nice. Just rolling hills and a combo of flat pavement and dirt path. It was not hard at all. I started running happy that it wasn't so bad. I saw a small hill and looked down and was thrilled that I reached the peak fast. I can do this. I didn't care that the group was ahead of me. I could see them enough to stay on the right track but I didn't care. My goal was to run without stopping not to run fast.

Mike and the team stopped to talk. He wanted to tell us about the trail a few times along the path. Yeah, so I can blame my downfall on him. I am approaching realizing that I am at the mental turning point of my happy place. If I keep running I will be fine, if I stop it's over. I stopped. What else should I do? Look like a jerk and run past the group not knowing where I am going? I stopped and was out of breath. I started up again and was out of breath. I felt anxiety kick in and I was off on a downward spiral of shortness of breath and negative thoughts. I stopped to walk again several times and ran to the next point where Mike and the team were. I felt like a failure for stopping even more.

At this point I was hating the entire thing. I wanted to go home. I wanted to sleep. I was scared. How will I do this after biking? I won't be able to do this? Maybe I should not bother with this triathlon. Maybe I should have someone else run for me. But this is my challenge. This is what I want more than anything...to complete the run without stopping even if I am last. I know I am physically fit enough. But is my head the barrier here?

I came home, napped and have been pretty depressed all day. I started reading the book Running Within by Jerry Lynch and Warren Scott. It addresses the body-mind-spirit connection for training. It talked about the physiological effects of negative self talk and anxiety when running. Sounds like me. I realized I have been having small anxiety attacks when I run on bad days. Today before running I drove there with butterflies in my stomach dreading running, or really dreading "failure." Once the shortness of breath and negativity started I went into a spiral of anxiety and more negativity. I breathe through my mouth entirely which the book says wastes energy and oxygen. I don't breathe in my nose as it feels like I am not getting enough air. The book suggested sitting for 10 min a day and breathing visualizing the positive. It feels good to read about this and receive validation. So now what? I will try to visualizations, more positive talk and proper breathing. But how do I intercept the negativity once it starts? It's so strong at that point. I'll keep reading and maybe call the author.

I decided to work more on running going back to flat distance running. I can handle these hills. I need to go back to the mental work of completing the distance. Mike suggested I run 4 miles on the flats and throw in a few intervals. Tonight I will add to my training schedule an additional running schedule. I have to do this. I will do this.

Interval Training

Yesterday was a 30 mile bike ride followed by about .25 mile run. We increased the biking intensity and shaved off 6.5 minutes of our total biking time. Our legs felt like marshmallow bricks when we ran and definitely humbled us. How WILL we do this exactly running 3 miles on hills? My legs were numb the first half. I was focused on getting feeling back in them which was good in that it distracted me form my usually whining about running. Once I got my feeling back I was so happy to feel my legs that running didn't seem all that bad.

Today was a nice workout. Ran 1.5 miles of intervals. That was a harder and higher quality workout than when I run 3 miles in the flats. We swam 1000 meters also following the interval training schedule. I had become quite good at pacing myself for longer distances and not feeling worked. Today I swam as hard as I could and THAT was work. It was good to be back in the pool. The wetsuit in the lake created a false sense of security. I had to briefly re-learn my form without it.